Hi Honey Bunny,

I washed the floor today.

I know people reading this would be like “what the heck? you haven’t washed your floors in over a month?” Yuck.

Yup. I didn’t. I have no shame.

Its because I am holding onto the small pieces of you I never thought I would have to let go.

Is it gross? To some, yes. To me… no.

The floors were gross… and although I was holding onto parts of you, it was relatively easy to wash the floors. Maybe it’s because I couldn’t physically see your paw prints or your marks. But I know they were there.

When it comes to your blanket, the window, or your place mat… somebody may need to fight me to get those washed.

I love you & I miss you.

There hasn’t been much joy in my life lately.

But I found this photo.

I don’t know why it wasn’t in my phone – But I found it in the texts I sent Daddo.

It made my smile .

Your ‘lasts’ haunt me, my dude.

They hurt because I didn’t know they were your last, and I feel guilty I wasn’t ‘paying attention’; I understand that nobody knows… but I am overly difficult on myself. Oh, my heart is broken.

I wish I could savour;

• Your last outdoor walk with us
• Your last time up the stairs
• The last time I fed you
• The last time you laid on the hot tub/deck/lawn
• The last time you borked
• The last time you zoomed
• The last kiss you gave me
• Your last Finny Fort
• Your last snuffle mat
• Our last snuggle

Oh my boy, the list goes on… It makes me sick to my stomach thinking I had no idea these were your ‘lasts’. But I am glad you also had no idea…

What I am grateful for, though.. and I wish I wasn’t – Daddo and I were there for your last breaths. We snuggled you & told you that you were the bestest boy… because you were. The last person you saw was me. I only wish you hadn’t spent 3 nights without us… you deserved to be nice and cozy at home, where your humans & BBB were… but that isn’t what was in the cards.

The cards sucked for you, from the moment you were born…. If I could have re-dealt them for you, I would have. You deserved so much more.

Finny,

Since your passing… the basement seems… eery? Why? I don’t like being down there… Although I LOVE the space

You and I never spent any time down there. You MAYBE were down there … 10 times, for less than 5 min per time. Once you got major zooms around the couch & made me laugh…

Why does it feel weird?

Is it because your first night home I slept next to you in the crate (that didn’t last long) on the floor?

(For context – Finny was ‘crate trained’ at night when we got him – we were encouraged to keep it up. His first night didn’t go well – we had him in our room, where he CRIED, so we put him in the ensuite… he CRIED, we put him in the secondary bedroom, HE CRIED… we put him in the mudroom… he CRIED – eventually, Colton wanted to put him downstairs…. that hurt my heart, so I agreed… as long as I could sleep next to him – so that is what I did – We went downstairs and I slept next to his crate for the first night —– After the first night, we agreed we’d attempt to allow him to be free during the night. That was the end of the crate).

Grief is weird. There may be no explanation why the basement feels weird to me…

What I do know is …. I miss you.

I wish I wasn’t raising funds for you.

I wish I was buying you food.. and toys… and treats

I wish we were walking. I wish you were accompanying me to the car wash & work appointments. I wish we were doing ‘nothin’. I wish you were in your fort. I wish you were here.

I don’t want “Finn + Friends” to exist.

But it does.

If I had my life to live all over again, I would find you sooner so that I could love you longer.

One year ago you weren’t pleased I had to give you a bath…

This video made me smile this morning.

Strange how life changes so quickly.

Hi Little Dude,

One hour ago, at 3:11pm marked one whole month without you – it feels like yesterday but it also feels like a lifetime ago.

I don’t know what to say to you today other than ‘I miss you’ – so much. It hurts.

I can’t believe its been one month; that’s 31 days I haven’t taken a photo or a video of you, 31 days where you haven’t accompanied us on walks, 31 days you haven’t got a treat, 31 days I haven’t tripped over you in the kitchen, 31 days where you haven’t slept in a Finny Fort, 31 days without me harassing you with kisses, 31 days where your sweet eyes haven’t looked into my soul, 31 days without ‘chinos’… and 31 days without a car ride….

31 days where I haven’t really laughed or smiled… Its been a tough-go.

At night I wake up and hallucinate you’re here – the other night you were for sure in your fort that I even took a photo… when I woke up and looked at the photo nothing was there except a pair of blue & yellow butterfly PJ shorts sitting on the pillows.

Daddo has had dreams about you too…

A few days ago your custom urn came in the mail – boy, its gorgeous. I hate/love it.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I knew life before you, and I knew life with you… but I hadn’t thought of how hard life would be without you.

You will forever be my heart. I hope you’re doing OK <3

I miss saying that.

At bedtime we’d hear your collar (and heavy paws) coming up the stairs…. we’d say “oh heck!” (meant trouble was coming!) and you’d jump on the bed for snuggles and scritches.

I always joked you were my ‘problem child’, or ‘trouble’ and I NEVER meant that in a negative or unloving way – in fact, I loved how you were never a dull time. I hope you sensed the love, my boy.

Once you were up on the bed, we’d tell you that you were “too handsome” and we’d take your collar off. In the morning we had to make you “handsome”, and we’d put your collar back on.

Not sure why we started saying and doing this – but it was our ‘routine’.

I miss you.