I am angry.

Nobody deserves your fate but 1000% it shouldn’t have been you.

Is there something I could have done to save you before it was too late? Did you get into something? If so, what? We kept our house so safe… you were always supervised. Was this an injury you had from your time on the streets? Was it the Meloxadin?

We did everything to keep you earth side and knowing that wasn’t enough is just… painful. I feel like I failed you. 

I’m angry you only got one Christmas with us, but am glad you got to celebrate it with our entire family – and holy heck, you were spoiled! So many toys & treats.

I’m angry you only got one birthday with us … and I’m sad I bought your gift a day late (but you did get your hambuggie!)

I am angry you got ONE gotcha day

I am mad you got just over one year of feeling loved and having a safe haven. I am angry that you departed only one year after knowing what true and unconditional love was. You deserved a life full of happiness – why was that shortened to only a year? 

I guess in that year you accomplished what you were set out to do. 

I have too many questions; questions that cut deeply. I’m unsure when or if those questions will fade or become easier not knowing the answers. Of course, I want to know … but I also realize they will remain unanswered. I need to, someday, come to peace with that. Until then. My heart races and I have anxiety feeling like I failed you and your sweet little face. 

Oh, my boy, I had big plans for us – I wanted to go rolling blading with you. I wanted to take you to the river. I wanted to take you camping. And goodness, did I want to walk (and watch your tush wiggle and your ears bounce) – I wanted to walk.

I never, ever, ever, thought we’d be saying see ya later so soon and that’s a hard pill to swallow… did I take our time for granted? I’m not sure…. I hope not but I feel I did because “I should have had 10+ more years” with you.

Truthfully, we feel empty – and that’s selfish – you gave us so much. I hope you knew and felt the love we shared for you. You are our son. Our boy. Always will be.  

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What I am grateful for is….

• Daddo and I worked from home, so you were rarely alone
• I tried to take you everywhere I could 
• You were without both Mama and Daddo for a total of 6 days in 415-ish days 
• You were so loved
• You chose us to be your family