Tonight I am angry.

I’m angry you aren’t here.

I’m angry at a lot of people, a lot of ‘what if’s’, and a lot of situations.

I am angry.

It’s been 47 days…WHAT? How has it been that long – it feels like yesterday.

I’m unsure if it gets easier. Truthfully, I’m not sure if I want it to… but at the same time, I do.

I miss you. With my entire heart.

Hi Finster,

I have so much to update you with!

_{Pictured; Angelique, Mama, Sheila, Gary & Carrie at the Finn + Friends, Finn’s Closet Memorial Event}

On Saturday we hosted your memorial BBQ, ‘Finn’s Closet’ – and we did SO GOOD! It was a lovely day with friends who love you, who love me & who love Daddo (and lets not leave out Tank!) — We raised $1,614… and the entire Jeep was stuffed with physical donations! I am so pleased… and overwhelmed with everyone’s generosity.

_{Pictured – All the physical donations we gathered}

We had 35ish people show up – I wasn’t certain how many would come, but I was aiming for 15! Daddo smoked meat on the smoker – you would have loved that. Of course, we told people about the time you stole an entire 6+oz steak medallion (your first week with us!) and, literally, swallowed it full.

Your Grandma and Grandpa even came from CHILLIWACK to celebrate you, my boy!

_{Pictured; THROWBACK – You & Grandpa Peter’s last year!}

The weather started out grumpy, but by the time the guests arrived it was gorgeous! Sadly, right as we were wrapping up supper, it started to rain so we moved the event inside. I can’t help but think it was you crying down on your event… in both sadness & pride. I certainly hope you are proud of us.

_{Pictured – Tank, your Best Friend, showing off the set-up for your event!}

We went the BARCS facility today to deliver all the physical donations; and we met 9 dogs currently at the shelter. The shelter is no place for a dog to live (especially Lady.. she’s been there 8 months!) – I don’t have much pull, but I will continue to share them & help them find their forever homes through your legacy ‘Finn + Friends’. The shelter is also doing another transport from Bakersfield mid-September, so we will keep a close eye on those puppers for you. Maybe there is a ‘little baby Finn’ or a relative of yours <3 I truly hope so.

I am sad… but happy. My heart is broken, but I am trying to heal by doing these things in your memory. Its bitter-sweet.

They saw you watching over them

As they finally closed their eyes

They smelt your scent as they breathed

In and out for the last time

They heard the way your voice broke

As you told them they were loved

They felt you as you held them

With your gentle, farewell touch

And now they watch each morning

As you pass their empty bed

They watch you lose composure

And they see the tears you shed

They hear you bear the silence

Of the footsteps that are gone

That walk across your heart each day

Like echoes of a song

They feel the pang of emptiness

You get when you’re alone

In moments when you realise

That they’re never coming home

But in their darkest moment

You were there to hold them tight

And they just want the same for you

So you can feel alright

So they’re sewing you a rainbow,

Weaving ribbons through the sky

So they can let you know

That life is good beyond goodbye

So next time it is raining

And the sun appears as well

Just feel and look and listen

To what they are trying to tell

They’re telling you it’s spring there

With its showers and its sun

Where there are endless fields for them

To play and stretch and run

They’re telling you they sleep upon

The biggest, softest beds

That they have stitched from all the clouds

That float above your head

They’re telling you they’re not alone

For there are many others

And they’ve been reunited

With their parents, sisters, brothers

They’re showing you their rainbow

So you know they won’t forget you

And to tell you they will always be

So happy that they met you

And they’re telling you they love you

And though they’ll be dearly missed,

Not to worry, ‘cause it’s beautiful

Beyond the rainbow bridge

— Becky Hemsley 2022

Hi Bugs,

Do you remember us? Do you think of us? Do you visit us? Do you watch over us?

Do you know you are still so loved? In life & in death?

Maybe you don’t remember, or maybe ‘life after death’ doesn’t exist – but the latter, I refuse to believe. I refuse to believe you just ‘stopped existing’ ….or, that you were ‘just a dog’.

We think of you nearly every moment, of every single day. Honestly, there hasn’t been a day where Mama hasn’t cried for you.

Because… YOU SHOULD BE HERE.

Are you not the black & white butterfly we saw? Are you not the bright red Dragonfly in our backyard?

Are you not the soul keeping me, Daddo & Tankie safe?

I just wish you had a Guardian angel the way we have one in you.

Thank you for protecting us.

Hi Honey Bunny,

I washed the floor today.

I know people reading this would be like “what the heck? you haven’t washed your floors in over a month?” Yuck.

Yup. I didn’t. I have no shame.

Its because I am holding onto the small pieces of you I never thought I would have to let go.

Is it gross? To some, yes. To me… no.

The floors were gross… and although I was holding onto parts of you, it was relatively easy to wash the floors. Maybe it’s because I couldn’t physically see your paw prints or your marks. But I know they were there.

When it comes to your blanket, the window, or your place mat… somebody may need to fight me to get those washed.

I love you & I miss you.

There hasn’t been much joy in my life lately.

But I found this photo.

I don’t know why it wasn’t in my phone – But I found it in the texts I sent Daddo.

It made my smile .

Your ‘lasts’ haunt me, my dude.

They hurt because I didn’t know they were your last, and I feel guilty I wasn’t ‘paying attention’; I understand that nobody knows… but I am overly difficult on myself. Oh, my heart is broken.

I wish I could savour;

• Your last outdoor walk with us
• Your last time up the stairs
• The last time I fed you
• The last time you laid on the hot tub/deck/lawn
• The last time you borked
• The last time you zoomed
• The last kiss you gave me
• Your last Finny Fort
• Your last snuffle mat
• Our last snuggle

Oh my boy, the list goes on… It makes me sick to my stomach thinking I had no idea these were your ‘lasts’. But I am glad you also had no idea…

What I am grateful for, though.. and I wish I wasn’t – Daddo and I were there for your last breaths. We snuggled you & told you that you were the bestest boy… because you were. The last person you saw was me. I only wish you hadn’t spent 3 nights without us… you deserved to be nice and cozy at home, where your humans & BBB were… but that isn’t what was in the cards.

The cards sucked for you, from the moment you were born…. If I could have re-dealt them for you, I would have. You deserved so much more.

Finny,

Since your passing… the basement seems… eery? Why? I don’t like being down there… Although I LOVE the space

You and I never spent any time down there. You MAYBE were down there … 10 times, for less than 5 min per time. Once you got major zooms around the couch & made me laugh…

Why does it feel weird?

Is it because your first night home I slept next to you in the crate (that didn’t last long) on the floor?

(For context – Finny was ‘crate trained’ at night when we got him – we were encouraged to keep it up. His first night didn’t go well – we had him in our room, where he CRIED, so we put him in the ensuite… he CRIED, we put him in the secondary bedroom, HE CRIED… we put him in the mudroom… he CRIED – eventually, Colton wanted to put him downstairs…. that hurt my heart, so I agreed… as long as I could sleep next to him – so that is what I did – We went downstairs and I slept next to his crate for the first night —– After the first night, we agreed we’d attempt to allow him to be free during the night. That was the end of the crate).

Grief is weird. There may be no explanation why the basement feels weird to me…

What I do know is …. I miss you.